In Jazz Horror Movie, Who Survives, Who Doesn’t?

SALT LAKE CITY – It’s Halloween season, and if you’re like me most of your nights have been spent watching the Utah Jazz play basketball or watching horror movies on non-game nights.

While basketball is fun because you begin every game not knowing if your favorite team will win, horror movies are fun because you don’t know which of your favorite characters will survive.

In order to celebrate two of my favorite October mediums, I’ve decided to cast players from the Jazz roster in a horror movie, and have to determine whether they’d survive or not.

Which Jazz Players Would Survive A Horror Movie?

The Main Character: Donovan Mitchell

Every horror movie has a main character, and for the Jazz, that main character is Donovan Mitchell. The fifth-year guard is charming, personable, and outgoing, and has overcome some adversity early in his career.

Those are the main characteristics of a horror hero, they’re fun and relatable, but also vulnerable which makes them easy to root for.

in for a bucket + the foul pic.twitter.com/iLjMymZL5E

— utahjazz (@utahjazz) October 27, 2021

Main characters are the top target for horror villains, and they must fight hard to survive, the good news is, the star of the movie almost always makes it in the end, as is the case with Donovan Mitchell.

Status: Survivor

The Leading Sidekick: Rudy Gobert

Next to the main character is always the leading sidekick who is reliable, likable, and sometimes even easier to root for than the movie’s star.

The sidekick could easily be the main character in their own horror film if it wasn’t for that little bit of mystery that exists in their past.

Gobert is the leading sidekick in the Jazz horror movie as he’s the most consistent player on the roster but there just isn’t quite the same connection between the big man and the team’s fanbase.

Conley ➡️ O’Neale ➡️ Gobert pic.twitter.com/7KkQ9mBhPj

— utahjazz (@utahjazz) October 29, 2021

The sidekick’s odds of surviving are dicey because they’re either killed off while fighting alongside the main character or in a surprise twist, they turn out to be the envious villain themselves.

Good news Jazz fans, Gobert survives because his intentions are pure, essentially the only way to guarantee a long life in a horror film.

Status: Survivor

The Lovable Sacrifice: Bojan Bogdanovic

Nearly every horror movie has the lovable side character that’s easy to root for and helps move the plot along, but is ultimately not critical in the final outcome of the movie.

Bojan Bogdanovic fills that role well for the Jazz as he’s easy to root for, he certainly helps carry an enormous scoring load, but late in games has become a bit of a decoy behind Mitchell and Conley.

That's a 𝘽𝙤𝙜𝙚𝙮 bucket #TakeNote pic.twitter.com/4jP3lkuJzN

— utahjazz (@utahjazz) October 29, 2021

Unfortunately, these characters don’t usually survive because for as easy as they are to like, they’re just easy to sacrifice to the cinema graveyard. Sorry Bogey.

Stats: Victim

The Red Herring: Royce O’Neale

A red herring is a principle in storytelling that serves to deliberately mislead the viewer from the truth.

Horror is filled with red herrings that serve only to confuse the audience as to who the final killer might be.

Royce O'Neale reaches a sprint speed of 16.7 mph for the defensive recovery, tracked by #NBACourtOptix powered by Microsoft Azure! pic.twitter.com/U9j4xyjlVH

— NBA (@NBA) October 27, 2021

Royce O’Neale is the perfect red herring as his quiet demeanor is just mysterious enough to make you think he’s the killer without any real proof.

Here’s the problem for red herring characters, they often get killed to provide a false sense of safety for the main character, only to learn that they weren’t the villain after all.

Bad news Royce O’Neale, your red herring nature didn’t keep you alive, and people thought you were the killer anyways.

Status: Victim

The Wise Old Story Teller: Mike Conley

Horror always has the older, wiser character who understands the rules of the terrifying universe. These characters play a crucial role in a horror movie because it’s their responsibility to tell the younger characters the history of what they will be facing, and how to survive it.

First Mike-to-Rudy lob in the books for the 2021-22 season ✔️#TakeNote pic.twitter.com/tvVHwuJ3ZP

— utahjazz (@utahjazz) October 21, 2021

Mike Conley has assumed this role in the NBA from his time as the young star with the Memphis Grizzlies, to the wise old veteran with the Jazz.

In this movie, Conley fills the role of the town librarian or the museum curator that escapes the killer unscathed.

Status: Survivor

The Cool Guy: Jordan Clarkson

Every horror movie has the cool guy who is either the best camp counselor or is hosting the party where the killer will ultimately find his victims.

Like the lovable sacrifice, the cool guy is easy to root for and easy to kill off.

moves: JC's got 'em ☮️#TakeNote pic.twitter.com/GApjgGl36L

— utahjazz (@utahjazz) October 27, 2021

Whether it’s his flair for fashion or his laid-back approach to life, Jordan Clarkson is the coolest person to ever put on a Jazz uniform, which is great for the team, and terrible for his odds of surviving a horror movie.

Sorry Clarkson, cool guys don’t survive in horror films, and you’re no exception.

Status: Victim

The Likable Newcomer: Hassan Whiteside

Whether it’s the new kid in school or the new guy at work, there’s always a likable newcomer who supports the main character in their role. However, there might be some lingering mystery surrounding their sudden arrival and unceasing helpfulness.

Easily the best sequence of the season for Hassan Whiteside.

He's getting more comfortable in a @utahjazz uniform. #TakeNote pic.twitter.com/rfKTvL9HSf

— Ben Anderson (@BensHoops) October 29, 2021

Hassan Whiteside fills that role for the Jazz as the jovial newcomer who has exceeded all expectations through four games.

Here’s the problem, that likable newcomer in horror is usually a cover for some horrible past, and we only find out once it’s too late.

Look out for Hassan Whiteside Jazz fans, you might be next.

Status: The Killer